Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize