Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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