so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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