I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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