i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
