I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
