sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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