I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
