Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
