last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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