Soap is not a condiment
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
