I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
