Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
