Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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