His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
