billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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