you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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