listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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