So drunk its hurt
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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