I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
