Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
