hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
