just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize