he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have aggressive nipples.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
