My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
