Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
