I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
