Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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