oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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