i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
