so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
