are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You have to summon your inner elephant
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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