At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
