somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
