oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize