Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
