I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
