i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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