so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
