It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
