I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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