Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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