i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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