don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
