fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize