we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
