Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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