he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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