I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
