after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
