You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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