I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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