I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
