I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
