Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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