I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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