Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
