i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
