community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i think i just lost a toe
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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