I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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