I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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