I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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