the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was CRYING into my vagina
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
