you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
