broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
