Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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