he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A bitchslap is in order.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
