i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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