it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
