so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
